Whats your best short joke?

[UNCLERUCKUS]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent one day but had not phoned in sick . Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
>
> 'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
>
> ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
> May I talk with him?'
>
> The child whispered, ' No .'
>
> Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
>
> 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
>
> Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
>
> ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '
>
> Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
>
> ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
>
> 'Busy doing what?'
>
> ' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
>
> Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
>
> ' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
>
> 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
> Again, whispering, the child answered,
>
> ' The search team just landed a helicopter '
>
> Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
>
> Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
>
> ' ME .

 

[UNCLERUCKUS]

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..
3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

 

[Artee]

Since it's US open week....

Four married guys go golfing.While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."

3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.
They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had todo to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'
And she said, "Wear your sweater".

 

[Artee]

another one..

Mermaid
An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore.
They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look. The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous.

The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?" "No, I haven't," whispered the mermaid. So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly. The mermaid said, "Hmmmm, that's nice."

The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?" "No, I haven't," answered the mermaid. So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow. "Hmmmm," sighed the mermaid, "that's nice."

Finally the Scotsman asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No, I haven't," said the mermaid. "Well, you have now," said the Scotsman, "'cause the tide's out!"
​

 

[Pat Kelly]

Hmm, this thread worries me but so far only a couple have come close to the edge.....
I did get some laughs though.

 

[Andrew]

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says: "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."

The Scotsman says: "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

 

[ltrepeter2000]

Andrew,

Bravo.

Thanks, I needed that this morning.

 

[lonlangione]

[YT]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcAsXl6TSDo[/YT]

Red Skelton was a true genius. Here is another genius from that era. Buddy Hackett told this joke on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. It is in my mind the funniest joke that I ever heard to this day.

Don't worry Pat it's clean. Cleaner than if I were telling it.....

Lonny

 

[lonlangione]

OK so it didn't work. Copy and paste this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcAsXl6TSDo

Or go to Youtube and type in Buddy Hackett Duck Joke.

 

[George]

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep like my grandpa not screming and yelling like the other four people in the car he was driving.

Do you know why PMS is called PMS?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Mad cow disease was taken.


Someone pretending to be George

 

[tash]

From Demitri Martin:

"About a month ago I got a cactus, and a week later it died. And I got really depressed because I realised I am less nurturing than a desert"

"I got some new pajamas with pockets in them. Which is great, because before that I used to have to hold stuff when I slept."

Piano Jokes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daQS7Dh5rkQ

 

[George]

Compliments of my little brother:
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds...'

I bought her a set of scales.

And then the fight started.....

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age... I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office..

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's **** near perfect..'

And then the fight started.....

 

[danger_chicken]

I dont' have any short ones. So here's one of my favorite long ones:

What to Do With Hotel Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!

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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty

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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one **** bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

 

[iamzrad]

This is one is kinda on the edge, but I see George has already gone off of it. lol

This is from Jeff Dunham's special,
"Why is it that everytime my boyfriend and I have oral sex I don't gag? But everytime I brush my teeth, I do gag."
"That's because your toothbrush is bigger!"

 

[George]

This is one is kinda on the edge, but I see George has already gone off of it. lol

This is from Jeff Dunham's special,
"Why is it that everytime my boyfriend and I have oral sex I don't gag? But everytime I brush my teeth, I do gag."
"That's because your toothbrush is bigger!"

No I didn't. You may incur the wrath of a moderator, whatever good they are. Oral sex is considered sodomy in many states and you may have brought the sodomy police "down on us".

George

 

[danger_chicken]

mine was clean ound:

 

[George]

mine was clean ound:

Couldn't be cleaner:lol:

So how about an old Johnny Carson joke. Many of you are young enough not to remember this one and it is the season for it:

Pat and Mike were buddies and loved baseball. They had season tickets and never missed a game. They retired and grew old still going to all the games.

One day during a rain delay Pat said to Mike, "You think they have baseball in heaven?"

They discussed it and made a pact. The first one to die, assuming he was lucky enough to get to heaven, would try to let the other know if there was baseball in heaven.

They continued to enjoy baseball together until eventually Pat died. Mike contnued to enjoy baseball.

One day walking from the park to the bus stop Mike stopped dead in his tracks. Pat was walking straight toward him looking healthy as ever. Mike let out a yell and Pat tried to quiet him. "Hey buddy, you are the only one who can see me so try not to make people think you are nuts. I'm just here to give you the news about baseball in heaven.

So Mike asked how things were. Pat said dieing wasn't so hot but heaven was OK. He told Mike "I have some good news and some bad news for you."

Mike said, "good news first."

"well we were right, there is baseball in heaven."

"Terrific, so what's the bad news"

"You're pitching Friday."


George

 

[Julie]

Have to get one in there... to balance all the dumb blonde jokes...

Why do guys name their *personal equipment?*


Because they don't like strangers making most of their decisions for them!!

 

[danger_chicken]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old
rancher.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there'
as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority
of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he
removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land.
No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's
prize bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it
seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at
the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge...Show him your badge!'

 

[danger_chicken]

The Bricklayer’s Insurance Claim
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope…