Whats your best short joke?

DiscusnAfricans

DiscusnAfricans

Past President
Whats your best or favorite? Keep them clean so the moderators don't delete the thread. Theres been a lot of sexist banter in a few threads that provide entertainment, so I thought I'd start with a few sexist jokes. Everyone else is welcome to contribute any type. These jokes won't win me any popularity contests with the women, but at least there are enough of them where they can bash the men just as hard.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Because she was a woman.

How can you tell when something smart is about to come out of a woman's mouth? She starts, "A man once told me..."
 
UNCLERUCKUS

UNCLERUCKUS

"THE ALL POWERFUL Q !!
little johnny is ding his chores feeding the animals before breakfast. he feeds the chickens 1st and kicks a few. he feeds the cows 2nd and kicks one of them . he then goes and slops the hogs and kicks the too. he then heads back to the house to have breakfast. he gets to the table and finds only a dry biscuit. he says to his mother "mother? wheres my bacon , eggs, butter and milk? " she repiles johnny i saw you kick the chickens , the cow, and the hogs and you have been warned to not do that. therefore as punishment you will have only a biscuit. now mad johnny eats his biscuit until he hears his fathers truck pull into the lane. he runs to the window to seehis dad. his dad takes his hat off and throws it on the seat and gets out his truck. walks towards the back door and kicks the cat off the steps. smiling johnny asks" are you gonna tell him or shall i?"
 
DiscusnAfricans

DiscusnAfricans

Past President
Come on, I know you guys have jokes. A black guy, a white guy, and a latino guy are in a car. Who's driving? The police officer.
 
iamzrad

iamzrad

Members
Robert is walking down the street and he passes his neighbor's (Emma) garden. He notices that her tomatoes are bright red and larger than normal and he is jealous. Robert wants to know how Emma gets her tomatoes to look like that. The next day he passes her garden again and she is out planting some veggies. He stops by and politely asks her how she gets her tomatoes so red and big. Emma responds, "Well, it's a secret but since you're my neighbor, I'll tell you." Every morning, right after sunrise, she stands in front of her tomatoes and exposes herself to them. The tomatoes blush, and get super red and super big. He takes note and the following day he tries the same for his garden. A week passes, Emma notices Robert sitting outside and asks him, "So, how are your tomatoes doing?". He responds with, "Well, the tomatoes are the same, but my cucumbers are huge!!!"

*Not a short joke, but a good read/joke.
:p
 
danger_chicken

danger_chicken

Swim Fishy Swim!
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water
hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another
animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a
rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.
The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I
will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish
for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put
it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting
his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the
bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned
the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these
stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the
motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish
that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear
was gay..."
 
George

George

CCA Charter Member and person in charge of the we
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR WIFE OR DOG LOVES YOU BETTER.


Put your wife and your dog in the trunk. Drive five miles. Go around back, pop the trunk, and see which one hops up and licks your face.

George
 
UNCLERUCKUS

UNCLERUCKUS

"THE ALL POWERFUL Q !!
GJR2 said:
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR WIFE OR DOG LOVES YOU BETTER.


Put your wife and your dog in the trunk. Drive five miles. Go around back, pop the trunk, and see which one hops up and licks your face.

George
Click to expand...

rotflmaooooooo that's funny george! knowing you I'd figure you'd have them race home lmaoooo !! now that's a kodak moment!
 
lonlangione

lonlangione

Members
What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

What do smart blondes and the Easter Bunny have in common?
Neither one exists

What do blondes and cow crap have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?
The 2005 hide and go seek champion.

How can you tell if a blonde used your computer?
There is white out on the screen.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She fell off and went down the drain.

Why do blondes wear their hair in ponytails?
To cover up the valve stem.

What goes VVVRRROOOMMM SCCHHRREEECCHH, VVVRRROOOMMM SCCHHRREEECCHH, VVVRRROOOMMM SCCHHRREEECCHH, VVVRRROOOMMM SCCHHRREEECCHH, VVVRRROOOMMM SCCHHRREEECCHH, VVVRRROOOMMM SCCHHRREEECCHH, VVVRRROOOMMM SCCHHRREEECCHH, VVVRRROOOMMM SCCHHRREEECCHH, VVVRRROOOMMM SCCHHRREEECCHH?
A blonde going through a blinking red light.

What do you call an old blonde behind a steering wheel?
An airbag.

Why do blondes have black and blue belly buttons?
They have blonde boyfriends!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
DiscusnAfricans

DiscusnAfricans

Past President
This is one of my old favorites. Danger chickens bear joke reminded me of it. I had to look it up because I couldn't remember it word for word. Here we are:
A bear and a rabbit were taking a crap in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when crap gets stuck to your fur?", and the rabbit replies "No, not really." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.
 
danger_chicken

danger_chicken

Swim Fishy Swim!
This is for you Lancasterins:

You have just received the Amish virus.
Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system.
Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.

We thank thee.
 
maddog10

maddog10

Members
danger_chicken said:
This is for you Lancasterins:

You have just received the Amish virus.
Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system.
Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.

We thank thee.
Click to expand...

Thats funny right there.
 
lonlangione

lonlangione

Members
A foreman at a job site interviews for three temporary works for a small job. Three guys show up, an Italian, a German and an Asian. The foreman tells the Italian he is in charge of putting up the drywall, the German is in charge of framing the walls and the Asian is in charge of the supplies. The foreman leaves and comes back 6 hours later to find the Italian and German just standing around and no work has gotten done. "What is going on?" the foreman asks. The German said the "Asian didn't get back yet with the lumber and drywall". So the foreman says to start looking for him. After about 20 minutes they give up. They are walking along and the Asian guy jumps out from behind a rock and says, "supplies".
 
UNCLERUCKUS

UNCLERUCKUS

"THE ALL POWERFUL Q !!

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he Saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to Investigate. He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor Man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They Are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with Us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for A car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer And said, 'Sir, you are too kind.' 'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
'You'll really love my place.
'The grass is almost a foot high
 
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